Trembling.

Hello people! I was at the hospital from early afternoon to late afternoon for 3 appointments which is inclusive of financial counselling and blood test - Blood test is the one that I dreaded the most out of this visit.

It is the usual procedures today like informing you of the risk of undergoing a surgery, and doing tests for you to deem that you are fit and healthy for the surgery etc. I'm dreading the blood test because.. who will ever look forward to it? Please tell me why did I decided to go for this surgery again.

The nurses were very kind and patient with me during the whole blood test procedure and I really hate myself for crying when the needle has yet to touch me or it was barely scraping the most outer layer of my skin yet. They consoled me and keep encouraging me.. It took some time but the whole ordeal is over in like a few minutes and my face in a total mess from the tears. I was even given a cup of Milo from the nurse, and I felt like I am a kid at that moment and I began to doubt if I can even go through the surgery.. I kept thinking will I run away after I change into the hospital gown or .. hide somewhere? I really don't know and my guess is that I will start crying again.

I really don't know what to feel and there is so many things going in my mind and I really wanted to chicken out from this whole thing. It felt there wasn't a need to go for this surgery until I look at myself in the mirror again.. Sigh, why me, why? For someone who have low tolerance of pain, this is purely torture and don't let me get started on the whole recovery process.. I can't even eat solid food when I am someone who love eating. Another sigh from me once again.

I couldn't stop crying earlier while doing some personal stuff and I really hate myself and I kept doubting myself over and over again... Less than a week and it will be the surgery..... There are still so many things that have not been settled yet unfortunately.. So I really don't know what will happen next..

Good luck to myself and I will update again on next Tuesday.